Depression, frustration, anxiety and stress and four common words with deepest disaster in our lives. The deep rooted impact of these four words in our life can shape our life in such a way we would even shiver to think of.
Only seeing these things impact in life of other people, in media and talks, I could never really feel why these words had such a concern. Well situations turned out different some months before. 2020 had the best welcoming entry in my life. I had people, I loved the most to hang out with. I met hearts that will remain forever in my life. Spent moments that had uncountable joy and happiness. Felt like this year was my year of miracles, I am going to smile and blush this whole year.
Well things don’t remain same every time. You can never predict what’s on your way, sometimes they can be disastrous while sometime they can bring enormous happiness and charm to your living.
An untold story. The story of fear (fear of loosing), self judgement, addiction, rumor, anxiety, cries, frustration, unusual stress, dilemma(questions with no answers), adjustment and self criticism. 2020 was treating me super well, I was the happiest I guess, surrounded by people whom I love the most, I always used to discuss with my best friend that everything feels like a fairy tale these days. I felt like I was living my dream life.
I was addicted. A deeper addiction, that led me to loose myself. A phase when nothing seemed colourful. I describe that phase as dark sunlight. My never ending smile couldn't show up for more than weeks. Not any person, but the scenario I created during that phase made me go through all of these.
I took a complete break from social media for more than a week. Hide my devices, but I was really not able to cope with. Every thing was silent, the roads, enthusiasm and grace. Wanting my device to ring for some particular calls, I never noticed how deeply I got hampered during that phase. I used to ask my friends can you remind who I actually was? The whole day I would count the time to end soon so that I could wake the next day with another hope.
Positivity was not wanting to be friend with me those days. I used to lock myself in my room or bathroom and cry for hours and again get out like nothing did really happen. I used to wake up with a heavy heart everyday. Wanting to go out and just get rolled up within nature situation those days were really not favorable.
Forcing myself to eat, so that my family would not panic because of me, someday I would fail to show up my happy mask. I lost my weight. I parted from my device I used to use the most. I used to wait for hours to call my best friends, so that I could share what I was really feeling. I used to spend the whole of days in my balcony, and continuously stare at those empty roads. I did not even touch my camera(my best thing) for a month. I used to write what ever I felt. I still have bunches but I have not gained the courage of going through them still.
I would not love watching movies, cause they would make me feel restless. Wanting to ask questions to people, I would indirectly keep questioning my people about my dilemma’s. I went through an online counselling for some days. I stopped watching my favourite shows. The only thing I could do was write. There were days, when I used to crave for that one tight hug, saying everything is fine.
To be continued……..