Lonely or Alone?

Never felt so alone in the past few years. Every day heard news, which leads towards diseases, loss, anxiety, separation, rejections and frustrations, sometimes it feels like it’s too much.

Surfacely, everything is perfect. The person has everything they want (home, food, security, office, academics going on, a ride), ofcourse this is what a person needs right? But why is something so empty deep inside me. I go to office and I can’t vibe with anyone, I cry while returning back to home. Yet, I can’t explain to my parents what’s happening. It’s a different harsh time going on with my family right now. The sudden news of my cousin brother has kept everyone silent these days. But, I want us to deal with this alone, without showing the grieve to anyone. I have been going to office, doing my presentation — yet I don’t want any individual to raise a voice saying I am seeking sympathy.

I know my girls will be there, anytime I need them. My parents will be for me, till I am here. But why am I feeling alone? I feel happy when I am back home and only when I am with my bestfriends, despite I struggle to survive in every places I go these days. Am I seeking for something that is not in my control? I can’t make everyone like me, right? Departures, I need to learn to accept them. I go to the client’s place, yet I just wanna go home as soon as I want. Every time any of my colleague tries to demean, these days I give answers to them. I want to rise on my own. I don’t want to share to anyone about what’s going on in my personal and professional life. Growing up, I now have been analysing things. There are very few people in my life, who are mine and who choose to be in my life.

I wrote this article, cause I felt so bad without reason today. I want to work on everything that affects my mental health. These days people compliment a lot about my weight loss. I need to get used to it. This time I could not gather the courage to handle the stage programme of my school, so I quitted. The feeling of being not enough in work, clients and amongst the crowds of competition is really not what I grew upon. You know the most discouraging thing is people underestimating things you know and keeping you in uncomfortable situations intentionally. I trusted so people with my emotions, but now I realise it were only few people who wanted to listen and I invested myselves seeking love and affection which is not mine.

It’s not necessary to brag with everyone about things you are going through. People not wanting to listen is also fine, because everyone is going through something. Who wants to listen to you and give you the safe space to open up, is something you need to analyse. I am alone, but I am not lonely. I don’t wanna be lonely. I have my girls, my parents and my juli. The outer world, we change places and situations with time. We don’t need every one for lifetime and it isn’t necessary that every person you meet whether personally or professionally needs to give you good memories.

Today, I couldnot finish a cup of coffee, I don’t know why. I felt so alone at the cafe during my lunch hours and I rushed back to work. Sometimes, it’s an anxiety trigger. And it’s OKAY. Let people underestimate, comment, reject, not choose, or brag about me. I should learn to simply ignore them and only walk on paths that makes me feel safe. It’s just once a life time. We don’t even know what happens after death. But life, even if there are 1000 reasons to worry for, there are few reasons that makes us happy too. For me it’s my home, juli, going out with my girls, talk time with Neesa, completing my given tasks, leading school programmes, writing poems, face timing with dady, learning new excel formulas, sharing stuffs with Sudha Di, a day off from work, saying ‘no’ to places I don’t wanna go, not adjusting in situations, acknowledging and accepting what I am.

I might fail but I won’t let any other stranger affect my journey of getting back on track. It’s okay to fail and make mistakes, you know when do we give up? When the outer voices start to control our journey. We really need to work hard and learn to ignore voices that make us weak (why not be’s in smallest of %).

Sometimes it’s okay to be ALONE, I guess, despite of adjusting on a tribe that is not for me.

P.S. They call me dumb — but they probably don’t know the skills I can show.