Hah, hello peps!
I am Nagrin, a girl who went through silent depression for 2 years . A reputed school nerd who did never wear specs but seemed studious and unenergetic every time. Somewhere far from the bookish world was the world I never existed in. My best friends were books and paper. I was not a novel reader though. I was a formal course book reader who only understood sciences and mathematics. Gk was abnormal to me those days. I was bullied and hated for being a book worm. To every taunts in schools I used to cry silently when I reach home. I never had a good friend until I was a kind of adult. I never knew, the hindrance behind me of not being able to make friends. I was afraid of what people would say. Whenever I stared at the mirror, I used to question thousand times to that lifeless mirror on what my fault really was. Why, why the fuck was I not loved!
Times, for me going to school was not less than going to a torture field, where I was the utmost victim. I know every girls and boys there were of my age, but my fear with them was insane. I was never counted in any sports match organized by my class team. Going through these every day, it was like a routine for me. Times, months and years passed away. In those years I slightly began to change myself for the sake of others. For the sake of my so called friends. I knew, whatever I do, I am not gonna be prioritized by them. My concern on being in there friend list was somehow hurting my child ego. I was not able to handle all those pressures at a time. I used to cry in dismay. I used to make my hair sitting for hours in front of the fucking mirror, but pity on that mirror how it could really help me. It was lifeless like me.
Those days, we were deprived of internet, well we never knew about internet though. This thing happened when I was in grade 4. The process continued till I reached class 6. Indeed, class 6 became one of the turning phases of my life, when I clinged with some good people with some good ideas on my life. I began to change or further advance my selves from that 90’s little kid. I began to participate in some class bunking activities like other class mates of mine.
Yeas, I felt bad, somehow I was going against the rules of my mother but, I was forced between the silent cries and the good relation in school. Sorry mom!
Even though, I bunked classes with them, I never compromised on my study. I used to work all night for my assignments and the process continued. Well, after those days, my life was not like previous days. I shouldn’t rely alone during lunch and break times. I had friends, though they were fake, but I had friends. I was happy in the sense that now I am free from the judgments of me being and walking all alone. I never cried alone than. After all, I was a good student.
Days were passing, and they were far better than they used to be. I was a happy kid then. How selfish is world, people are not ready to accept you as the way you are. In this world of judgment, why do we need to get changed for the sake of others for their fake attention. For the depressed child like me, I needed counselling which I never got. So, I had to face many troubles during my journey! It was never easy for me to change but, I tried hard. I found a counselor in a sister whom I met years later, but changed the state of my life. I was lucky!
In a country, a kind of slightly underdeveloped nation like Nepal, we only prioritize rape, suicide as our main areas to take a concern on. We never focus on the simple things that children around us are going through, that may lead them to depression like me in small ages. The thing is, this leads children to crimes and we keep on investigating.
I myself spoke this thing after 9 years, the day when I was certainly disturbed, and I felt like this thing should be shared. Who knows, there may be 100’s and 1000’s of Nagrin’s like me in many reputed schools and colleges of nations being mentally hampered.
I don’t blame those kids of my ages, because they were deprived of right moral education which was necessary.
So, I think child psychology is something that must be studied by every teachers who teach in mainly young grades, and children must be taught moral education not only theoretically but yeas practically too. Indeed a freedom of hope and choices to every child to feel secured and that pace in a school, where a child can speak fluently about his her awkwardness with their teachers without any fear. I think this is the main issue to be focused on, which is not being focused still today! Let’s put some efforts before a child becomes a victim of silent depression.
-PRASUMA Changes are to be made, not meant to..